i find it funny..

that the selfish complain that people are not giving
that the pessimists wonder why eveyone is in a bad mood
that you say people only want to be loved when they themselves dont show it.

one day,
you are gonna wake up and realize
people learn by example.
what example are you setting?

nikki. this was for you.

choking on the ashes of my own bad decisions.
lost loves.
preaching to you
the shattered pieces he left
your life in shambles
wet cheeks and bloodshot eyes
hurt bestowed.
all proof.
you are stronger than this
stronger than the past
your regrets
only to become wiser
never to be broken
can no longer be let down
no longer half a person.
trust.
you are whole.



These fragments were found in an old sketchbook. I had written it just before Elisabeth was born. Who knew you would figure this all out on your own? I will FOREVER love and appreciate the girls and you.

tonight.

i counted to seven when i shouldve stopped at five.


i guess thats how it goes right.
its alot easier to push the limit than to relax and let things take their natural course.


i seem to need more patience.

unsure about how credible the source is.

"To see a possum in your dream, indicates that something may not be what it appears to be. You need to dig deeper and look for the hidden meaning of some situation or circumstance."

so you say you wanna revolution..

well.
you know we all wanna change the world.




and now I've realized,
i need to stop preaching about doing something and actually start.



the world will never be the same.
it starts with me.
today.

howard zinn died wednesday, january 27th 2010.

Though I, personally, do not agree with 100 percent of his teachings, Howard Zinn was an intelligent man, passionate about his beliefs. If only we were all so strong, who knows what we could accomplish?

"Americans have been taught that their nation is civilized and humane. But, too often, U.S. actions have been uncivilized and inhumane" - howard zinn

my real estate courses, while easy, are quite time consuming.
its really cutting into my political reading. :(

dearest texas

somedays i miss us.

i miss the scrabble.
walking in the rain.
the parties.
making breakfast.
the running around the house,
wrestling in the livingroom.
i miss the late night food4less runs.
decorating the house.
i miss serving ravioli with red wine in candlelight.
i miss breaking that tv, twice.
you dancing on top on the bathroom counter.
i miss sunning next to the pool.
carving pumkins on halloween.
getting all fancy and ending up staying home.
eating peanutbutter and jelly crackers.
burning the grilled cheese and making mushy alfredo, and u still asking for seconds.
i miss listening to the rain and laying in bed all morning.
surprise parties.
i miss them knowing us at hardtimes and doublez.
i miss smiling for no reason.
but i remember
the tears,
staying up all night wondering why you never made it home,
losing all the weight,
working double shifts,
brushing ur teeth and changing ur clothes when u came home drunk,
walking the dog alone,
you texting her as you lay next to me,
i remember starting at the ceiling wondering what was next,
the night i asked to move home,
almost losing the car,
i remember the day i lost BOTH my best friends,
i remember throwing up from nerves,
my hair falling out,
losing everything i thought i was.
the goodtimes were good.
the badtimes were worse.
i love you, always have.
the day we met i saw something.
an energy like nothing ive ever seen.
your eyes, wooden and warm.
safe.
i still love you,
but now i can look myself in the eyes
warm and safe.

the last time i cried was june 27 2009.
worst and best birthday of my life.

my life is no longer planned out and layed in front of me.
i dont care if anyone shows up on time,
even shows up at all.
losing you.
finding myself.
im sorry texas.
i cant tell you if we will ever be.
im terrified of pushing repeat.
november rain is a song you shouldnt play more than once.

"our culture is not molded by culture but economic powers"