dearest texas

somedays i miss us.

i miss the scrabble.
walking in the rain.
the parties.
making breakfast.
the running around the house,
wrestling in the livingroom.
i miss the late night food4less runs.
decorating the house.
i miss serving ravioli with red wine in candlelight.
i miss breaking that tv, twice.
you dancing on top on the bathroom counter.
i miss sunning next to the pool.
carving pumkins on halloween.
getting all fancy and ending up staying home.
eating peanutbutter and jelly crackers.
burning the grilled cheese and making mushy alfredo, and u still asking for seconds.
i miss listening to the rain and laying in bed all morning.
surprise parties.
i miss them knowing us at hardtimes and doublez.
i miss smiling for no reason.
but i remember
the tears,
staying up all night wondering why you never made it home,
losing all the weight,
working double shifts,
brushing ur teeth and changing ur clothes when u came home drunk,
walking the dog alone,
you texting her as you lay next to me,
i remember starting at the ceiling wondering what was next,
the night i asked to move home,
almost losing the car,
i remember the day i lost BOTH my best friends,
i remember throwing up from nerves,
my hair falling out,
losing everything i thought i was.
the goodtimes were good.
the badtimes were worse.
i love you, always have.
the day we met i saw something.
an energy like nothing ive ever seen.
your eyes, wooden and warm.
safe.
i still love you,
but now i can look myself in the eyes
warm and safe.

the last time i cried was june 27 2009.
worst and best birthday of my life.

my life is no longer planned out and layed in front of me.
i dont care if anyone shows up on time,
even shows up at all.
losing you.
finding myself.
im sorry texas.
i cant tell you if we will ever be.
im terrified of pushing repeat.
november rain is a song you shouldnt play more than once.